You know what you want and you’re going to get it. You’re basically Scarface, you wild go getter, you. The world is your oyster. The only thing standing between you and the perfect house is the auction. In a world of online purchases and forming a groove in the couch with your motionless body, auctions can be really fun. You will feel like a 17th century Lord bidding on a suitable manor to house himself and his thirteen bloodhounds. Send the horses, Jeeves, I find this residence more than suitable to house my disgracefully opulent wealth.

Auctions are like some kind of bizarre foreign sport, like soccer, so luckily you can research the rules online.

There’s a lot of yelling, a lot of sweating, you’re worried you won’t be good enough to get picked. Maybe just me. Either way, you’ll want to be solid on the rules before you go throwing your money and your anxious sobbing around. It’ll help your own confidence to look the part, so make sure to wear something classy like one of those Lowes Hawaiian shirts. It shows you’re laid back, but also confident and willing to take a risk to take down any potential competition.

If you do get to negotiate with the seller to try and close the sale, they’ll take one look at you and go ‘this is a man who takes life by the horns and deserves my beautiful home at a very reasonable price’.

Know Your Limits:

You need to be clear on where your bidding limits are. If you get caught up in the magic, it’s easy to drop a ridiculous bid you can’t possibly follow through on. Keep your emotions in check, and don’t watch the Wolf of Wall Street the night before.  You are only human, and a human who does not want to eat nothing but Mi Goreng for the next few decades to pay off the house you can not afford.

Creative Deception:

Another strategy you can put in place early is to stand in different spots during the inspection, and in different voices say things like “only an idiot would like this house,”  and “See honey, you can’t even smell the sewerage plant from this room”. Hopefully that’ll leave you as the only ones to show up to auction, and I assume that means you win by default. You can even try yelling “Sold to the dashingly handsome man up the back!” and hope the auctioneer gets really confused and just hands that sweet house over.

Regardless, at auction you’re going to go through a range of emotions – excited, anxious, sleepy, hungry. Should have packed a few smashed avo sangas.

Be ready to throw on your sunglasses and walk away like Bruce Willis walking away from an explosion, but keep your eyes on the prize. The prize is your perfect first house, and smugly telling your fellow auction-goers ‘better luck next time mate.’



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